We Should All Live Forever (3/29/04)

It's not like we couldn't see it coming, of course, but even though we noted multiple times that we understood the whole idea was sick, Friday's scene about the coffin of a Microsoft executive rubbed some viewers the wrong way; apparently some people just don't find coffins appropriate subject matter, no matter who's going to wind up inside them-- which is a little strange, since we all are, eventually. (Well, except people who opt for cremation, cryonic storage, or our own personal favorite: freeze-drying.)

Some people apparently got the idea that we were somehow advocating the assassination of Microsoft employees because we linked to a coffin. Since this whole thing is apparently a highly divisive subject, we're not going to name names. But while a small but vocal minority felt we had gone way too far (yeesh, no one tell them about Nothing So Strange or they'll all have freakin' aneurysms), several people chastised us for not going quite far enough. One person in particular felt that what the scene really needed was a detailed artist's conception of the deceased Microsoft exec lying in the coffin.

We've since turned his IP address over to the authorities, who assure us that soon we can all feel safer walking the streets at night.

As for the little matter of which Bellevue-residing Microsoft exec might have commissioned the casket, we noted on Friday that it couldn't be Bill Gates-- but faithful viewer Paul Frankenstein noted that while Gates lives in Medina, Steve "Missing Link" Ballmer does live in Bellevue. So is it his? We have no idea. But it's possible, and that's enough for some people. Still, we need to be very clear about this: we do not wish death upon any Microsoft employee, including Bill Gates and Steve Ballmer.

Heck, especially Ballmer; the guy's brought us so much plot fodder over the years, he's practically an honorary Steve. (Well, okay, yes, technically he is a "Steve," but you know what we mean.) Frankly, we don't know how we'd cope without his occasional public outbursts. For example, faithful viewer The Professor dished us a CNET article that notes a recent Ballmerian appearance at Microsoft's "fifth annual advertising conference," where, "like an eager football coach pumping up the team for the second half, Ballmer reasserted that Microsoft is still in the game and plans to win." And here, ladies and germs, is the sort of quote we just live for: "'You'll see a lot of good competition in the area,' [Ballmer] said emphatically, at one point throwing his pen."

Throwing his pen. This is how the man makes his point. We love this guy!

So, to recap, no, we don't want anyone dead, least of all pen-throwing Ballmer. But that doesn't mean looking at a Microsoft coffin doesn't fill us with a sense of inner peace we hadn't felt since before we tried to run Word 6.0 on a Performa 630. And if that's wrong, we'll, we don't want to be right.

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The above scene was taken from the 3/29/04 episode:

March 29, 2004: Apple launches yet another Power Mac promo; does this mean no new G5s until June? Meanwhile, the seriously unprofitable BuyMusic.com will soon be absorbed into Buy.com, and Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer throws a pen to make a point; who could possibly want this guy dead?...

Other scenes from that episode:

  • 4598: Brilliant... SEARING PAIN! (3/29/04)   Aiiiieeeeee, it burns! IT BURNS!!! After months 'n' months 'n' months of speculation that Apple was due to ship speed-bumped Power Mac G5s "any day now," we'd finally spent the weekend coming to grips with the fact that the possibility of a "March 26-ish" intro wasn't looking good...

  • 4599: Bye, Buy; BuyMusic.Bombed (3/29/04)   Say, you know what we haven't done in a good long while? Bashed the dickens out of iTunes Music Store competitor BuyMusic.com. And really, we miss doing it, partly because the service was universally panned as the faintest shadow of the iTMS, partly because founder Scott Blum was actually clueless enough to think he was going sell a million songs a day, and mostly because BuyMusic's whole ad campaign consisted of three things: direct ripoffs of Apple's commercials; commercials that actually attacked the iTMS; and naked Tommy Lee...

Or view the entire episode as originally broadcast...

Vote Early, Vote Often!
Why did you tune in to this '90s relic of a soap opera?
Nostalgia is the next best thing to feeling alive
My name is Rip Van Winkle and I just woke up; what did I miss?
I'm trying to pretend the last 20 years never happened
I mean, if it worked for Friends, why not?
I came here looking for a receptacle in which to place the cremated remains of my deceased Java applets (think about it)

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