Be afraid... be very afraid. We're about to point you toward a video clip that contains approximately seventy-three seconds of the most frightening video footage ever captured on tape. Forget the Blair Witch Project; loop this sucker eighty times, strip out the color and toss in a bunch of camera-shake, and we guarantee that twenty percent of every test audience will be throwing up in the bathroom. (And half of them will even be vomiting out of fear.) Those of you with weak hearts (and weak stomachs) should turn away before things get ugly; the rest of you should brace yourselves and load up this 3 MB video clip of Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer trying to rally the troops, as pointed out by emotionally scarred faithful viewer Demian De Wit.

Still with us? Do you need a minute to collect your wits-- and your lunch? We don't blame you. What the heck was that? Is it an excerpt from Ballmer's screen test for Planet of the Apes, as suggested by The Register? Is it the portrait of a fat bald man who has taken to pouring crystal meth on his Lucky Charms in the morning? Is it final, undeniable proof that human civilization is going to come crashing down around our ears within the next decade? We can't say. All we know is that there are some things that mankind was just never meant to see, and we're left trying to figure out if there's any way to scrub the backs of our eyeballs with bleach and steel wool.

Here's a mental exercise for you: close your eyes (no, not yet-- finish reading first, you goofball) and try to picture Steve Jobs acting the same way as the dignified Mr. Ballmer. Try to imagine Steve jumping around the stage while hooting like a WWF wrestler after an adrenaline shot and a lobotomy. Picture him shrieking "GIVE IT UP FOR ME!!" in a disturbingly shrill voice while pointing his finger in the air and getting all sweaty and red-faced from those eight seconds of actual physical exertion. Visualize him desperately trying to catch his breath and then shouting "I... LOVE... THIS... COMPANY!! YYYYYEEEEEEESSSS!!!!"

Can't do it, can you? Thank heaven for small mercies. Now pardon us, but we're off to go pluck out our own eyes and call it a day.