All we can say is, if Steve Jobs isn't grinning so widely that his head is dangerously close to flopping completely open at the jaw-hinge, he's got waaaaay more self-control than we do. On the off-chance that you haven't seen the press release yet, allow us to break the insanely great news: Apple just reported a Q1 profit of $295 million-- over 40 percent better than the analyst consensus-- on revenue of a whopping $3.49 billion. Folks, that's not just better than anyone expected; that's better than Apple has ever done in a single quarter. Ever. For both profit and revenue. Something tells us the champagne is flowing freely in the streets of Cupertino tonight.

Better yet, the outlook for the rest of the year looks pretty darn rosy, too. Sure, revenues are expected to dip to "only" $2.9 billion this quarter, but that can't be avoided without adding another Christmas to the end of March. And if you tune in to the replay of the earnings conference call (or just read MacMinute's summary), you'll see that there's plenty else to smile about. For instance, Apple sold over a million Macs last quarter-- the most in four years. Apple's pro Mac sales may have dipped a bit, but 35 percent higher iBook sales and a year-over-year doubling of iMac and eMac shipments plenty makes up for that. Over 4.5 million iPods shipped, representing $1.2 billion in revenue and a 525 percent increase from the year-ago quarter. Meanwhile, retail remains busy and profitable, education sales were Apple's "strongest in 7 years," and the company now has about $6.5 billion in cash to whip out should the need arise.

In fact, the news was so good that Apple's stock even managed to buck the traditional "sell on news" after-hours decline that typically afflicts AAPL even when the company beats the Street; instead, Apple's best quarter ever sparked a massive run-up in extended trading, with AAPL finally settling in at a hair over $73 per share, up $7.69 from the day's close. (Mwaaaahahahaha! They called us mad when we bought more shares at $63.50 last week!)

Technically after-hours stock prices don't count, but if you bend the rules a smidge, that means Apple reported its best quarter in history on the same day that its stock hit its highest price ever. It may all evaporate in profit-taking before tomorrow's trading opens, but hey, it still counts in our book. So there's lots for Apple's employees (and customers!) to feel proud about right now, and we're just hoping that everyone takes a moment to pat themselves on the back before they dive right back into debugging Tiger and rigging elaborately weird cooling systems destined for the eventual PowerBook G5.

Meanwhile, there's one other person who should be proud: faithful viewer Scott Kennedy, the winner of our quarterly Beat The Analysts contest, who magically pegged Apple's Q1 profit at $295 million on the nose. We'll be contacting him shortly to find out if he'd rather receive a free AtAT shirt, or some two-shades-past-crusty software from our Baffling Vault of Antiquity™. Congrats, Scott! And in fact, come to think of it, BTA entrants on average predicted Apple's profit to be roughly $234.5 million-- way off, but still $42.5 million closer than those overpaid Wall Street analysts had expected, so AtAT viewers overall ought to feel pretty good today, too. Have a cookie or something. And if you missed your shot at greatness, start honing your predictive skills now, because the next earnings report-- and contest-- is less than three months away. So get cracking!