Gather 'round, children, and your grizzled and ancient AtAT staff will regale you with tales of Olden Times. (Just as soon as we find our teeth.) Believe it or not, way back at the dawn of human civilization, dieters counted calories instead of carbs, Ashton Kutcher dated women only slightly older than him, and Apple used to make a computer called the Macintosh. No, really, it's true! We know that today the company seems to be all about the music, but, see, back then, music was something people bought on these shiny flat discs called "CDs," so you can appreciate how different an era we're talking about, here.

Seriously, with no new Macs (other than Xserves, which sorta count, we suppose) introduced since waaaay back in the Mesozoic era-- meaning, November, which was like three whole months ago-- it's no wonder people are starting to forget that Apple makes Macs as well as iPods. Even the memories of the faithful are starting to drift, especially since none of the Mac gear that's been wearing out its welcome in the "Any Day Now, Honestly" bins at the 'net's seedier rumor sites has seen fit to show up yet. Every day we get Apple historians writing in wondering what's up with Apple's displays, which still feature decidedly G4-era translucents-'n'-pinstripes styling. Wasn't there supposed to be a 30-inch Cinema Display by now, they wonder? And then they start asking about speed-bumped Power Macs, which have been on the "Maybe Tomorrow, We Swear" list since they were a no-show at last month's Expo. And, of course, the historians who are too fresh-faced to have had all their optimism and youthful idealism stomped out of them so far even ask about the PowerBook G5, which at least one report last year had described as a Q1 product.

So we figured we'd take a break from all the recent Pepsi bottle cap coverage to address some of these retro-chic Mac issues, and our official take on all the aforementioned products is this: We Don't Know™. Really, we haven't the foggiest idea when or if any of that stuff is finally going to surface and remind the world that, hey, Apple makes these computer thingies, too. But we can point out a few noteworthy indicators that may turn your own guesses into educated guesses, and you don't even need to mortgage the house for tuition money. (You can still do it if you want to, though; we're sure we can scrape up a $50K Karmic InvisiShirt™; if you're really in the market.)

We can't shed any light on the display sitch, other than to say that a couple of people have posited that Apple was holding them for release alongside the speed-bumped Power Macs, which allegedly keep getting delayed. We can't say whether the Power Macs are delayed or not, but we can remind you (as faithful viewer Mikey kindly informed us) that Apple Australia has been running a trade-up promo for a little while, now, by which Aussies can turn in their older Blue-and-White or Graphite Power Macs for credit towards a new aluminum beastie. The program runs through March 26th, which some people have interpreted to mean that speed-bumped G5s aren't likely to show up before then. Personally, we don't see how this promo necessarily precludes an earlier revamp of the G5 line, but the good news here is that you get to make up your own mind. Yes, just like a big kid in a coming-of-age drama, but don't go all after-school special on us, okay?

As for the PowerBook G5, Mac OS Rumors is claiming that it won't materialize until "the late third quarter," which may be disappointing even though it's well in line with Apple's official statements that it hopes to have it on the market by the end of the year. So if you've been hanging on that "PowerBook G5 within the first 3 months of 2004" thing, this is probably as good a time as any to wave goodbye to the dream (although there are some intriguing yet maddeningly unspecific whispers floating around about something "huge" coming in April). PowerBook update junkies need not despair completely, though, since MOSR claims that before the G5 reaches the PowerBook line, Apple will bump the G4 line up to as high as 1.533 GHz in the spring, with additional cache, better graphics, and bigger and faster hard disks. Of course, this is all pretty speculative at this point, but you knew that already.

So there you have it: in terms of hard Mac facts, there's a whole lotta nothin' goin' on, just like always. No wonder the Mac is fading from memory. But actually, come to think of it, what's this "Mac" thing you people keep talking about, anyway?

Hey, howzabout them there miniPods? Pink! Wacky!