Hey, you-- morose person. Why the long face, Horace? Still dwelling on Apple's market share numbers? Now, you know that's not good for you; why are you torturing yourself this way? No matter how many times you picture that neon floating "5%" (or 4%, or 3%, or whatever equally- or more-upsetting figure you happen to believe this week), it's just not going to look any happier, incessant comparisons to BMW's market share notwithstanding. This is a surefire downer of a game you're playing, here.

Or is it? Think Secret has IDC's final numbers for the second calendar quarter, and for once, Apple's market share might conceivably be something to smile about-- provided that you limit your scope appropriately. For example, if you look at Apple's share of worldwide desktop sales last quarter, you'll find yourself staring down a ninth-place finish of 2.3%, which is enough to make any self-respecting Mac user contemplate shuffling off this mortal coil with extreme prejudice-- despite the fact that it represents an increase from 2.0% the quarter before. This is exactly the sort of thing that keeps the Zoloft folks rolling in big piles of hundreds.

But if you instead look only at Apple's portable sales in the same quarter, and furthermore pretend that any country that isn't the U.S. doesn't count (which, if you're an American, is certainly second nature by now), something magical happens: Apple's market share shoots up to a mind-bending 7.0%. What's more, that's up almost two full points from 5.1% in the previous quarter, and represents a unit sales increase of a staggering 48%-- fully six times the average industry U.S. notebook sales growth, and the largest among all manufacturers. Holy cats, it really is Apple's "Year of the Notebook"! And here we always figured that Steve was just riffing when he said that because he'd lost his notes!

Think Secret's sources report that Apple execs are "ecstatic" with these latest numbers (all the numbers, apparently; then again, they're used to looking at teensy percentages all the time, so it's all a matter of perspective) and feel that when the Q3 sales results surface a few months from now, we'll see numbers "just as strong." Personally, we're mildly skeptical; while the advent of the long-awaited Power Mac G5 ought to goose the desktop numbers a smidge, we can't help wondering what'll happen to that unbelievably cool 7% notebook share given how long we all had to wait for new PowerBooks to make the scene.

Still, why dwell on the future? Apple market share obsessives finally have reason to live in the now, and the now is all about 7%, baby! Forget Zoloft; if Apple manages to hit 8% with its portables next quarter, somebody's going to be pumping us full of horse tranquilizers just to keep us from climbing the walls in manic delirium. Mood swings are tiring, aren't they?