The Rules Are For A REASON (8/22/03)
SceneLink
 

Well, here we are at the end of the week! So we should be seeing new PowerBooks any minute now.

Yup. Any minute.

(Glances at watch)

...Uh, yyyeah. Well, clearly something's gone slightly awry, because everyone from Think Secret to Mac OS Rumors to MacBidouille to this guy had been expecting new PowerBooks this week. Plus, an alleged screenshot of distributor inventory status at MacTeens shows a whole lotta goose eggs as far as existing PowerBook models are concerned, at least for the 12- and 15-inchers, so something's gotta give. Obviously Apple planned for a release by today, and something went horribly, devastatingly wrong. But what?

If you like playing the easy odds, you may be banking on the delay being All Motorola's Fault™, especially since AppleInsider has already blamed them for the PowerBook delays up until now; if you recall, Apple reportedly wanted to ship new pro portables back in June, but Motorola's inability to ship suitable G4s in promised quantities scuppered that plan and reduced Steve Jobs to a raving potty-mouth whenever Motorola's name was uttered within earshot. (We're told this was particularly entertaining to trigger during board meetings and in line at the supermarket.) But our own sources are reporting that, in a miracle whose nature has stumped the world's leading theologians, Motorola actually did manage to squeeze out and deliver enough G4s to allow a new PowerBook launch, albeit barely.

No, the current delay, we're told, is purely an Apple-originated holdup. The PowerBooks were done and ready to ship, see, but it seems that someone in the marketing department didn't bother to read all the warnings associated with the new Power Mac G5-- specifically the one about the FCC requiring "the operator or a nearby person be more than one centimeter (0.4 inches) away from the AirPort Extreme antenna during transmission." Being unaware of the one-centimeter rule, he did what any rational person might do while transferring a large Photoshop file from a central server: he walked around to the rear of the machine and licked the antenna.

Now, we're probably going to blow your minds, here, but we'd like to assure you that the time-honored tradition of licking antennas to speed up wireless file transfers does not work. At best you're just wasting perfectly good saliva, and at worst (as in the case of the G5's external antenna) you run the risk of punching six or eight holes right through the fabric of space and time itself. (The FCC really hates that.)

So when the marketing guy pulled the old Lick Trick on his new G5, the ensuing dimensional vortex instantaneously sucked our entire universe into an alternate reality-- one completely identical to the one we'd been occupying, except that for some reason in this realm 1) the sky is blue, although no one seems to remember that it used to be orange, and 2) all the new PowerBooks were found to have become iron Mariachi frogs.

So it's back to the production phase, apparently, and we'll be waiting a while longer for those PowerBooks to get remade, unless Apple's dimensional engineers can find a way to transport us back; we understand they're already hard at work on a plan involving mattress tags and running with scissors. In the meantime, look for musical amphibian-themed Mexican lawn decor to show up at the Apple Store any time, now...


 
SceneLink (4159)
And Now For A Word From Our Sponsors
 

Mash-ups and original music by AtAT's former Intern and Goddess-in-Training

Prim M at YouTube

 

The above scene was taken from the 8/22/03 episode:

August 22, 2003: Another weeks passes by PowerBookless. Meanwhile, Apple's showing in ZDNet's back-to-school computer recommendations is decidedly uncharacteristic, and theories are running rampant linking the past two weeks' virus activity to organized crime and terrorism...

Other scenes from that episode:

  • 4160: Pigs Above, Snow Below (8/22/03)   Quick, somebody get us something to hold on to, because everything's topsy-turvy! Up is down, black is white, Freddy vs. Jason garners eleven Academy Award nominations! Hey, it could happen...

  • 4161: They're All In It Together (8/22/03)   Attention, Windows users-- welcome to Virusville, population: you. But you knew that already. Meanwhile, as usual, in the past week and a half we Mac users on the whole have been only mildly inconvenienced by Blaster...

Or view the entire episode as originally broadcast...

Vote Early, Vote Often!
Why did you tune in to this '90s relic of a soap opera?
Nostalgia is the next best thing to feeling alive
My name is Rip Van Winkle and I just woke up; what did I miss?
I'm trying to pretend the last 20 years never happened
I mean, if it worked for Friends, why not?
I came here looking for a receptacle in which to place the cremated remains of my deceased Java applets (think about it)

(1239 votes)

As an Amazon Associate, AtAT earns from qualifying purchases

DISCLAIMER: AtAT was not a news site any more than Inside Edition was a "real" news show. We made Dawson's Creek look like 60 Minutes. We engaged in rampant guesswork, wild speculation, and pure fabrication for the entertainment of our viewers. Sure, everything here was "inspired by actual events," but so was Amityville II: The Possession. So lighten up.

Site best viewed with a sense of humor. AtAT is not responsible for lost or stolen articles. Keep hands inside car at all times. The drinking of beverages while watching AtAT is strongly discouraged; AtAT is not responsible for damage, discomfort, or staining caused by spit-takes or "nosers."

Everything you see here that isn't attributed to other parties is copyright ©,1997-2024 J. Miller and may not be reproduced or rebroadcast without his explicit consent (or possibly the express written consent of Major League Baseball, but we doubt it).