Allegorical Fiction Rocks (6/11/03)

You know what's happened, right? Rumors abhor a vacuum. (Don't take it personally, Oreck.) Since Apple pulled out of what used to be the summer Macworld Expo, from a rumorological perspective, the upcoming Worldwide Developers Conference has taken over for the traditional Boston/New York gig. No Stevenote in the Big Apple now means that all eyes are on Steve's WWDC appearance as the Big Unveiling of New and Interesting Devices, and tongues are a-waggin' something fierce as everyone of a Mac bent tries to guess what Fearless Leader has up his big black sleeves.

To that end, faithful viewer David Triska notes that AppleInsider has posted a delightful work of short fiction in which off-duty Apple employees get plastered, leer at women, and discuss top secret projects in public in a strangely expository manner-- but being the sharp-eyed, kollidge-ejukated literary types we are, we weren't fooled for a second: AppleInsider's story is, in actuality, THINLY-VEILED RUMORMONGERING! No, really, we're almost sure of it!

So if you strip away the facade of fiction, here's what AppleInsider appears to be expecting from stagebound Steve in less than two weeks' time: the PowerPC 970-based Power Mac G5, in a "silver and graphite" enclosure with four handles and a "mesh metallic" front; new 15-inch PowerBooks with faster chips to blend better with the 12- and 17-inch models; an updated iChat with MPEG 4-based videoconferencing via a new camera device; FileMaker, Inc. being reabsorbed into Apple, possibly as part of a move to develop a new office suite; and a new line of height- and tilt-adjustable displays. Mamma mia, thats a spicy meatball!

So there you have it: one rumor site's set of WWDC predictions. We have no idea how accurate they might turn out to be, but on the plus side, we hear the story in which they're embedded is up for the Booker Prize. Meanwhile, we're hearing the faintest rumblings that the Power Mac G5 may actually not be ready for a WWDC introduction after all. We're not putting a whole lot of stock in said rumblings just yet, but we mention them anyway for the cautious souls among you who choose to temper your enthusiasm with a hefty dose of skepticism. 'Nuff said.

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The above scene was taken from the 6/11/03 episode:

June 11, 2003: AppleInsider posts a charming little story that conceals all manner of dirt about what new products are coming at WWDC-- provided you're clever enough to crack the code. Meanwhile, a congenitally brick-stupid superintendent in Tukwila, Washington turns down thirty free computers because they happen to be Macs, and Microsoft is coming out with its own antivirus software (no, we're serious-- stop giggling)...

Other scenes from that episode:

  • 4007: Quite Alarmingly Stupid (6/11/03)   Congratulations to Superintendent Michael Silver of the Tukwila School District in Tukwila, Washington for officially being named our Bonehead of the Week! Faithful viewer vdubya tipped us off to an article in the King County Journal which reveals that Tukwila's Foster High School won a grant from an unnamed nonprofit organization-- a grant consisting of 30 new Macs and six laser printers, worth a total of $43,000...

  • 4008: This Will All End Badly (6/11/03)   And in the "Irony Is For Suckers" department, faithful viewer Nateman informed us of an Associated Press article which reports that Microsoft is going to work on its own antivirus software. Think about that for a minute...

Or view the entire episode as originally broadcast...

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