How many ways can one company tell you not to do something without ever actually telling you not to do something? Answer: six. That may sound like a lot, until you consider that the company in question is Microsoft and has untold armies of FUDmeisters in its marketing department working around the clock (at which point six sounds a little like maybe their manager was a little light with the whip that day). Faithful viewer Simone Bianconcini alerted us to a very informative page on Microsoft's Windows Media site called "Six Tips for Buying an MP3 Player with Flash Memory," and let us tell you, now that we've read it, we haven't felt this educated in minutes.
In this completely unbiased article with absolutely no underlying agenda or ulterior motive whatsoever, the Redmond Beast makes a humanitarian effort to warn you about certain pitfalls that dot the path of buying a portable digital music player, so that you don't wind up with a music device without a built-in stopwatch, which, of course, would be a fate worse than death. Here, with brief summaries of Microsoft's explanations, are the six tips that could save you from inadvertently spending all eternity in Flash Hell:
Understand the basics, i.e. flash players are inherently better than hard-drive players because they don't skip unless you throw them at the water just right.
Make sure you're getting all the goodies, i.e. you just won't be happy unless your player can record FM radio and includes, for some reason, a stopwatch.
You'll want a display, i.e. there's no nobler way to die than by trying to change songs with a three-line, teensy-button human interface while jogging and being struck down by a Dodge Stratus.
Let a professional make your next playlist, i.e. why listen to your own music when you can listen to nonstop commercials and obnoxious local DJs on FM radio? And record them digitally, so you can share that great beer jingle with your friends and loved ones?
Pick the right size for you, i.e. Windows Media is great, and we just wanted to harp on that for a minute. Have we mentioned that Windows Media is great?
Don't get locked into one online store; it is, however, just fine to get locked into one proprietary data format and DRM scheme-- as long as it's ours.
Interestingly enough, before it was refined into the Six Commandments you see above, an earlier draft version of the list was considerably terser. AtAT operatives have secured a copy, and it seems to imply that Microsoft might have had some sort of unstated underlying objective in mind when it put these tips together, although we're having a tough time seeing just what it might have been. Maybe you can help:
Don't buy an iPod, iPod mini, or iPod photo.
Don't buy an iPod shuffle.
Don't buy an iPod shuffle.
Don't buy an iPod shuffle.
Pick the right size for you (as long as you don't buy an iPod shuffle).
Don't buy an iPod of any kind whatsoever.
We know the hidden message is there, lurking just beneath the surface. Maybe these three additional tips found in another draft unearthed by faithful viewer DT will shed some light on the subject:
Make sure your flash player isn't white. You don't want to get it all dirty now, do you?
If your flash player has a fruit on it, you might get poisoned by insecticide.
Always listen to Uncle Bill; he knows what's best for you.
Hmmmm. Nope, it's still a mystery. Impenetrable. Guess we'll never know.
Say, is that the smell of fear wafting over here from the Pacific Northwest?...
Thursday, 3:37 PM: Apple settles its lawsuit against a student developer who posted prerelease copies of Mac OS X on the 'net. Meanwhile, Microsoft posts a not-so-subtle page telling customers that the ideal flash-based music player is "Anything But the iPod shuffle", and if you're having trouble with your new PowerBook's trackpad, why not just tilt your worries away?...
Other scenes from this episode include:
Why Not Settle For Less?: Oh, sure, we know-- when it comes to Apple-related lawsuits, the drama junkie side of you pictures knock-down, drag-out courtroom brawls with Perry Mason badgering witnesses into tearful confessions, a crimson-faced hanging judge banging his gavel while threatening to clear the court and jail the lawyers for contempt, and Steve Jobs up on the stand screaming "YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!!"... Scene
Of Trackpads And Tilting: Since things are generally pretty quiet right about now, we thought we'd take a minute to square up an account or two-- you know, just to keep the karma straight. Regular viewers (well, as regular as possible given our erratic broadcast frequency of late) may recall that we recently purchased a new 15-inch PowerBook, but the last thing we mentioned about it was that the new scrolling trackpads are terrific at scrolling, and infuriating at pretty much everything else... Scene
Click on one to see it. Or perhaps you'd like to see the whole episode as originally broadcast?
Thursday, 5:03 AM: Apple has its best quarter and year in the history of the company-- so of course its stock tanks. Meanwhile, Steve Jobs trots out new iPods that can show video (no, really!), and instead of new pro Macs, Apple introduces the latest iMac G5, complete with an integrated iSight camera and a remote control...
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