How many ways can one company tell you not to do something without ever actually telling you not to do something? Answer: six. That may sound like a lot, until you consider that the company in question is Microsoft and has untold armies of FUDmeisters in its marketing department working around the clock (at which point six sounds a little like maybe their manager was a little light with the whip that day). Faithful viewer Simone Bianconcini alerted us to a very informative page on Microsoft's Windows Media site called "Six Tips for Buying an MP3 Player with Flash Memory," and let us tell you, now that we've read it, we haven't felt this educated in minutes.

In this completely unbiased article with absolutely no underlying agenda or ulterior motive whatsoever, the Redmond Beast makes a humanitarian effort to warn you about certain pitfalls that dot the path of buying a portable digital music player, so that you don't wind up with a music device without a built-in stopwatch, which, of course, would be a fate worse than death. Here, with brief summaries of Microsoft's explanations, are the six tips that could save you from inadvertently spending all eternity in Flash Hell:

1. Understand the basics, i.e. flash players are inherently better than hard-drive players because they don't skip unless you throw them at the water just right.
2. Make sure you're getting all the goodies, i.e. you just won't be happy unless your player can record FM radio and includes, for some reason, a stopwatch.
3. You'll want a display, i.e. there's no nobler way to die than by trying to change songs with a three-line, teensy-button human interface while jogging and being struck down by a Dodge Stratus.
4. Let a professional make your next playlist, i.e. why listen to your own music when you can listen to nonstop commercials and obnoxious local DJs on FM radio? And record them digitally, so you can share that great beer jingle with your friends and loved ones?
5. Pick the right size for you, i.e. Windows Media is great, and we just wanted to harp on that for a minute. Have we mentioned that Windows Media is great?
6. Don't get locked into one online store; it is, however, just fine to get locked into one proprietary data format and DRM scheme-- as long as it's ours.

Interestingly enough, before it was refined into the Six Commandments you see above, an earlier draft version of the list was considerably terser. AtAT operatives have secured a copy, and it seems to imply that Microsoft might have had some sort of unstated underlying objective in mind when it put these tips together, although we're having a tough time seeing just what it might have been. Maybe you can help:

1. Don't buy an iPod, iPod mini, or iPod photo.
2. Don't buy an iPod shuffle.
3. Don't buy an iPod shuffle.
4. Don't buy an iPod shuffle.
5. Pick the right size for you (as long as you don't buy an iPod shuffle).
6. Don't buy an iPod of any kind whatsoever.

We know the hidden message is there, lurking just beneath the surface. Maybe these three additional tips found in another draft unearthed by faithful viewer DT will shed some light on the subject:

1. Make sure your flash player isn't white. You don't want to get it all dirty now, do you?
2. If your flash player has a fruit on it, you might get poisoned by insecticide.
3. Always listen to Uncle Bill; he knows what's best for you.

Hmmmm. Nope, it's still a mystery. Impenetrable. Guess we'll never know.

Say, is that the smell of fear wafting over here from the Pacific Northwest?...