Hey, just out of curiosity, how much do you suppose a Wall Street analyst gets paid? Because after seven long years in the trenches of online soap opera production, we're toying with the idea of a lateral career move into a field that, just for a change of pace, is slightly less stressful than bomb squad "fodder duty" and pays slightly more than migrant farm work. Not that cranking this stuff out every day isn't a hoot, mind you, but let's put it this way: would you do it for seven years, especially not having slept since the middle of the Clinton administration? Exactly. So while we're not actively job-hunting, we like to keep our eyes open just in case something decent falls into our laps. You know, like a six-figure salary for sitting on our butts watching TV. That sort of thing.

That's where this whole "Wall Street analyst" thing comes in; obviously we don't know the whole story, but it seems to us that they have a pretty cushy racket going on. Based on what we've seen while ferreting out Nuggets o' Drama™ in the Apple world, the primary job functions of an analyst seem to be 1) to predict the performance of stocks and rate them accordingly, 2) to estimate future corporate earnings, and 3) to sit in on earnings conference calls and ask CFOs questions that make them reply "we don't comment on unannounced products." Honestly, how hard is any of that? Especially since no one seems to get held accountable when the estimates are way off base (when does Apple not beat the analyst consensus?), numbers are simply adjusted based on company announcements (we're not sure, but we think the recipe might be "good = up, bad = down"), and a lot of the "predictions" seem to get made after the fact.

Case in point: CBS MarketWatch reports that First Albany analyst Joel Wagonfeld has "increased his fiscal 2005 earnings estimate to $1.35 a share from $1.17 and revenue forecast to $10.8 billion from $10.2 billion" due to "higher expectations for iPod products, as well as for iMac, retail stores, and iTunes." Gee, let's see here: last week Steve announced new iPod models, pointed out that the iMac G5 has gotten Apple's best reviews ever, revealed new retail stores opening this month (including the first in the UK), and launched new European iTunes Music Stores currently separating thousands of new customers from their Euros. It's not exactly rocket science; pick a random dollar value out of a hat, tack it on to the previous estimates, and blammo-- time for that three-martini lunch.

Comparatively speaking, though, that was the hard part; Wagonfeld also "lifted his price target to $61 from $53 and reiterated his 'buy' rating" on Apple's stock. Now, since AAPL actually hit $53 nearly a week ago and is currently trading in the $55ish area, what do you suppose tipped him off to the idea that maybe he needed to raise his target price again?

Granted, for all we know, in a non-Apple-related capacity, those guys have to wrestle bears armed with Tasers before they get to collect a paycheck, but somehow we doubt it; it sounds to us like you track a particular company's movements, jiggle a few numbers around, and rake in the dough regardless of how wrong you might wind up being. Where do we sign up?

Then again, we bet those guys have to wear ties. Forget it. Besides, we could never leave all this behind. What, and give up show business?