As the Apple Turns: Scene 4939: Alleged Sins Of Omission (9/23/04)

Alleged Sins Of Omission (9/23/04)

The mostly-positive iMac G5 reviews keep rolling in, but have you noticed that every review-- even the most gushing, drooling, fanboy-slobbering thumbs-up one imaginable-- always contains an obligatory criticism, presumably because the author doesn't want to lose credibility as an impartial evaluator? All too often these days, the "flaw" singled out is Stuff the Reviewer Thinks Apple Should Have Included But Didn't. For example, faithful viewer JoeS notes that an Associate Press review comes across as a largely favorable one, except that the reviewer can't stop complaining about how Apple makes you pay extra for Bluetooth, wireless input devices, an AirPort Extreme card, and more than 256 MB of RAM.

Meanwhile, good ol' Walt Mossberg, who frequently raves about new Apple's products like the company's just ended world hunger and discovered a cheap 'n' easy cure for idiocy, isn't immune to "They Shoulda Included x" syndrome either. His borderline messianic ode to the wonders of the iMac G5 in the Wall Street Journal can only criticize the fact that the units ship with-- all together, now-- 256 MB of RAM and don't include "a built-in reader for memory cards used in digital cameras, PDAs, and smart phones." Why do we get the feeling that either these gentlemen are flailing wildly just to complain about something, or they somehow misunderstand that the iMac is targeted at a mass-market audience on a semi-limited budget with a wide range of needs and computer expertise?

The RAM criticism we can at least understand, since we agree that 256 MB of RAM isn't enough for us or, most likely, for any of you, either. But Apple may well have determined that it's "adequate" for the baseline user; the AP reviewer fully admits that the iMac with its stock 256 MB of RAM "handled simple tasks like surfing the Web and reading email" without so much as a hiccup. Well, guess what? For a substantial portion of potential iMac buyers, he's just described 100% of what they'll use the system for in the first place. Why drive them to Dell by bumping up the base price by including RAM they don't need? (And don't go arguing that 256 MB more RAM is cheap enough could have added it for free; sure, they could have. And analysts just love it when gross margins fall so they can downgrade the stock and freeze AAPL in carbonite.)

As for the notion of including Bluetooth, Airport, and even card readers standard in the base models, multiply the same argument by a kajillion. Why does Granny, who just wants to send and receive email, need a Memory Stick reader? And why should she pay for it if she doesn't need it? And AirPort; well, what if the buyer has no access point within range, doesn't need one, and most certainly doesn't want to buy one? He either winds up paying more money for a feature he doesn't need, or he goes and gives his money to Dell instead. Bluetooth? Heck, we here at AtAT are generally considered to be wired to the gills, and we don't have Bluetooth phones; granted, it's one of the few drawbacks of the Treo 600, but still, we don't have it and so we don't cotton to the idea of paying more for an iMac that has it included standard.

So by shipping a system with only as many fixin's as most people will need, Apple keeps the price down and lets everyone else pay extra to add in all the stuff they want. Come to think of it, though, these reviewers are right in a larger sense: the iMac G5 is missing certain crucial accessories that 99% of buyers are just going to go out and add right away anyway, so why didn't Apple save them the hassle and just include them in the base configuration? We speak, of course, of peripherals such as the USB Mini Desktop Aquarium. When was the last time you actually got anything done on your Mac without a USB-powered fake aquarium to help you along? Exactly. So it should come with the iMac. Heck, it should be built right in.

Ditto a USB microscope. It's simply ridiculous to think that Granny's going to buy an iMac for emailing the grandkids and not also want to use it to inspect magnified images of all her twenty dollar bills to weed out the counterfeits. And who buys a Mac and then doesn't use it to compare 50x blowups of their own moles from week to week, in order to detect any suspicious changes that may signal the presence of melanoma? It's like Apple hasn't done any market research at all.

What's worse, the iMac G5 doesn't even ship with a USB Beverage Warmer. You can't tell us that at least as many people who need more than 256 MB of RAM don't need some way to keep their beverages steamy while they sift through their 700 spam messages or frag heavily-armed buxom women in platemail bikinis or whatever. You think computing with 256 MB of RAM is tough? Try doing it with a tepid mug of Postum.

Last but not least, this thing can't even turn lead into gold. What's up with that?

Still, it's one firecracker of a machine, ain't it? We can totally see ourselves buying one. Well, at least if it came with a USB noodle strainer, maybe. Because since it doesn't, what on earth could anyone possibly use it for?

SceneLink (4939)

And Now For A Word From Our Sponsors

From the writer/creator of AtAT, a Pandemic Dad Joke taken WAYYYYYY too far

The above scene was taken from the 9/23/04 episode:

September 23, 2004: What's with the pundits all praising the iMac G5's "simplicity" and then complaining that it should have shipped with everything but a USB kitchen sink? Meanwhile, actual lawyers cast doubt on those recent Apple-Beatles settlement rumors, and at least one batch of analysts thinks that Apple can sell a million iPods a month starting in a few days...

Other scenes from that episode:

4940: Biggest Settlement My Eye (9/23/04) Attention, all viewers who are still bouncing gleefully on the edges of their seats in fierce anticipation of an imminent record-breaking settlement between Apple and the Beatles: get up off the pins and needles and sit on something a little more comfortable, because there's a smidge more evidence hinting that our original suspicions were correct...
4941: Dig Our 'Net Clairvoyance (9/23/04) Whoa, psychic much? Because maybe we are. Not in any traditional sense, apparently, since we've never scored any better than random guesswork in those "which card am I holding up?" tests ("Figure eight?"), and not only do we never know what people are going to say before they say it, half the time we don't even know what people said after they said it, a symptom we chalk up to extreme social ineptitude coupled with a fundamental loathing of all people and an attention span measurable in microns...

Or view the entire episode as originally broadcast...


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