Can we just say up front that this isn't meant to be any sort of commentary on FOX News in general? Because we try really hard to keep politics at least a hundred feet from the AtAT set at all times (we even took out a restraining order), but in recent years it seems that any commentary whatsoever on anything FOX News says will be construed as some sort of political statement, and that's not at all what we're doing, here. All that happened was that faithful viewer Pixel tipped us off to a FOX News tidbit on the ongoing Apple-vs.-Apple lawsuit, we felt it was good weekend episode fodder, and we're blathering on and on about it like anyone actually cares, as per our long-established modus operandi. End of story.

That said, does anyone else get the feeling that Roger Friedman of FOX411 may be on some serious drugs?

We ask in a strictly apolitical manner, of course, but the fact of the matter is that he ran a headline asking "Will Paul McCartney Wind Up with iTunes?" as if something had happened in the case to suggest that such a thing could possibly happen-- or, indeed, that anything had happened in the case at all. But nothing new has happened, and so Roger just recaps Apple's attempt to have the trial moved to California and the judge's refusal to do so-- and implies that this somehow means that "Paul McCartney could wind up owning the Apple iTunes Stores along with Yoko Ono, Ringo Starr, and Olivia Harrison." And, of course, the only appropriate reaction to this is a big, fat "What the--?!"

But wait, it gets even more baffling. He argues that "the Beatles look like they will have the upper hand in this case," a sentiment with which we happen to agree-- but as his basis for that conclusion, he offers the following quote from the 1991 agreement between the companies in which Apple said it would keep its digital mitts off of the music business: "In section 4, paragraph 3 of the agreement: '[Apple] shall not use or authorize others to use the Apple Computer Marks on or in connection with physical media delivering pre-recorded content (such as a compact disc of the Rolling Stones music)...'"

Um... so?

When, exactly, has Apple distributed commercial recorded music on Apple-branded physical media? Because when last we checked, the iTMS was strictly a digital download affair. Technically we suppose the Beatles can make a case that when we bought our Power Mac G4 almost four years ago and the iTunes folder on the hard drive contained a "Tunes Sampler" consisting of 14 MP3 files, the drive in the Mac constituted "physical media delivering pre-recorded content," but you could argue the same thing about any Mac that ever shipped with alert sounds in the System Folder. The language of the clause makes it pretty clear to us that the Fab Four's lawyers were talking about Apple getting into the music label business and shipping physical CDs; while it's certainly the case that Apple is doing label-like things (such as selling exclusive music not available anywhere else), it has yet to sell a single Apple-branded piece of "physical media" from the iTunes Music Store.

Regardless, Roger offers up this quote like it's some kind of slam dunk or something; maybe we're missing the obvious (we're doing that more and more often these days), but we just don't see it. (There's also the fact that he incorrectly refers to Apple Computer as "Apple Computers" seven times in as many paragraphs, despite correctly using the name when quoting the 1991 agreement excerpted above. But that's not drugs, that's just us being picky.)

In any event, no matter how badly Apple might lose this case, where on earth does Roger get the idea that the outcome would be the Beatles estate taking over the iTMS? Was this ever on the table and somehow we completely missed it? At worst Apple would have to pay damages and a hefty licensing fee, but the iTMS is so central to its current growth plans there's no way it'd give it up to settle yet another lame Beatles "you stole our label name" lawsuit-- especially since the company's got $5 billion in the bank to pay off litigious rockers if it really needs to.

Oh, Roger, Roger, Roger... seek help, before it's too late.

Just say no, kids.