Hey, folks, we're back. Didja miss us? We wound up cutting our whirlwind Global Expansionism Tour 2004 short because after we took over the CARS offices it became apparent that there are a few things about empire-building we had to learn the hard way. For one thing, did you know that Irkutsk is actually a city in Russia, and not, as is commonly supposed, a small community off Route 20 in Sudbury? Like we were going to make that drive. Oh, and we also found out that when you deploy forces for an invasion, you're supposed to leave at least one person holding the fort back home. Or at least remember to lock the doors when you leave. Important life lesson, there.

So we've abandoned the whole expansionism thing for now, because it's a lot more trouble than it's worth and it was cutting into our TiVo time anyway. Besides, which do you think we'd rather be doing: sacking and pillaging unsuspecting countries for the sake of expanding our empire, or writing snarky commentary about how Gateway couldn't hack the retail thing? Surprisingly enough, it's the second one. We know, we were sort of caught off guard by the realization, too, but while pillaging isn't without its quaint charms (good hours, plenty of fresh air and aerobic exercise, etc.), we've been waiting for those Gateway stores to fold for years, now-- pretty much ever since Gateway itself shut down all overseas operations, which we figured was probably the beginning of the end.

So, yeah, as faithful viewer hypoxic informed us, the inevitable has come to pass: according to a Gateway press release, it's shutting down all 188 retail stores in a week. Apparently the company blew all its cash on buying eMachines (a move we've always thought of as "Hey, You Got Your Mediocre in My Crappy / You Got Your Crappy in My Mediocre") and now can't afford to keep its stores afloat. And this is a particularly sketchy time to be pulling out of the whole retail thing, since Gateway recently resorted to selling TVs and other consumer electronics devices in order to stay in business despite massively dwindling computer sales. While the company "will continue direct sales of Gateway products to consumers and businesses" via the Web, we're guessing that most consumers are far less likely to blow six grand on a television set without seeing one up close and personal first.

Meanwhile, the Apple retail stores are reportedly doing just fine (provided there's a reasonable explanation for those alleged accounting issues, of course), and Apple is still opening new stores instead of shuttering existing ones; MacMinute reports that Apple is already hiring for a new store to open in Pittsburgh. And don't forget that, far from shutting down all operations in other countries, Apple is even expanding its retail strategy overseas.

Gateway's stores won't actually close until April 9th, so if there's one near you, you might consider stopping in to see if you can get a nice closeout deal on a plasma TV or something. If you do, please fight the urge to point at the staff and giggle; true, no one forced them to work for Gateway in the first place, but c'mon, these are people (about 2,500 of them, reportedly) who are soon to be unemployed, and that's never fun. We're all for schadenfreude, but save it for the big, faceless corporation, not the folks who will soon have no health insurance.

Meanwhile, speaking of laughing at the big, faceless corporation, we'd just like to compare a few recent numbers for you. In the early days of AtAT, there was one particular Apple-bashing troll who used to tune in every day (yes, every day-- how deeply in denial can a Wintel user be?) just to write in afterwards to tell us that Apple would soon be going out of business and Gateway, as the world's bestest computer company, would eventually take over the planet. Now, while it's true that Apple still isn't exactly ruling the world, in its most recently reported fiscal quarter it had revenues of $2.006 billion (up 34% year-over-year), made $63 million in profit (as opposed to an $8 million loss a year earlier), and shipped 829,000 Macs (up 12%). During the same quarter, Gateway had revenues of $875 million (down 16%), lost $114 million (compared to losing $72 million during the same quarter a year ago), and sold 526,000 PCs (down 27%).

Gee, why do you suppose we haven't heard from that guy for a while?