Since there isn't much happening of deadly urgency in the Apple realm right this second, how about we take a mellow poke around in the databases of the United States Patent and Trademark Office? C'mon, that's always good for a laugh. Besides, faithful viewer Badtz Maru came across something kinda nifty when digging around in there the other day, and while it's not exactly a timely issue, it's still one of vital importance if you're ever going to get to buy those Apple Underoos you've been wanting all your life.

Try this: go to the USPTO's search page, click the link to "New User Form Search (Basic)," enter "78156809" as the Search Term, set the Field menu to "Serial or Registration Number," and then click Submit Query and see what it's for: Apple has trademarked its logo for use on "footwear; headwear; shirts, t-shirts, sweatshirts, jogging suits, trousers, pants, shorts, tank tops, rainwear, cloth bibs, skirts, blouses; dresses, suspenders, sweaters, jackets, coats, raincoats, snow suits, ties, robes, hats, caps, sun-visors, belts, scarves, sleepwear, pajamas, lingerie, underwear, boots, shoes, sneakers, sandals, booties, slipper socks, swimwear and masquerade and Halloween costumes."

It's the "lingerie" entry in particular that struck us as intriguing, in a hideously unlikely sort of manner. Now, you know how the whole trademark thing works; the categories are pretty general and it's always best to cover all your bases, so this doesn't by any means imply that Apple is scant days away from selling Apple logo lace teddies. More's the pity, too, what with Valentine's Day barely more than a week away; Apple could have made a killing from the frisky Mac nerd demographic by selling semi-retro translucent edible underwear in Blueberry, Lime, Strawberry, Grape, and Tangerine. (We can just see the pitch meeting: "What do you mean, it's a 'dilution of the brand'?! Just taste them!")

But hey, if underwear's not your thing (don't worry, we won't tell anyone), there's more. Take a gander at the trademark record with serial number 78156920 and you'll find that Apple has also registered trademark rights to use its logo on "medical, dental and veterinary apparatus and devices used for research, diagnostic or therapeutic purposes; medical recorders; cardiovascular equipment; X-ray apparatus for medical use; radiation therapy machines; medical imaging, scanning and digitizing devices; medical equipment used for analyzing, annotating and matching DNA sequences; laser pointers and lasers for medical use; ultrasonic medical diagnostic apparatus, X-ray photographs for medical purposes; computer-assisted optical imagers and image analyzers; parts and fittings for all the aforesaid goods."

Oooh, all kinds of good stuff there! Cardiovascular equipment? Is Apple going to co-brand an implantable pacemaker? Once again, it's missing a golden opportunity with Valentine's Day coming up so soon. (That's a heart joke, son. Never mind.) Personally, we're focusing in on the "dental and veterinary apparatus" bit, ourselves. Who wouldn't have perfect dental hygiene habits as long as there was an Apple logo electric toothbrush around? And your cat hasn't really been spayed until it's been spayed with the Apple iNeuter. Oh, the possibilities...