Feelin' Like Number Two (2/4/04)

Hoo boy, things are pretty quiet around the Apple campfire right now, aren't they? And you're probably figuring that's because all the busy little beavers at One Infinite Loop are scurrying around putting the final touches on Mac OS X 10.3.3 and getting those man-we've-been-waiting-forever speed-bumped Power Macs and bigger displays ready for store shelves. Or maybe you assume that while the public acknowledgment of the Mac's 20th birthday was nearly nonexistent, the party at Apple headquarters was one for the record books and all the employees are still sleeping off the hangovers. Or perhaps you think it's some kind of groundhog thing. Who knows?

Well, we do. And the real reason why Apple's been quiet for the last couple of days is because everyone's downright morose about coming in second to Google in the Global Brand of the Year race for the second year running. Yes, according to a Reuters article, the Interbrand consultant firm once again stuck Apple with the silver medal in the Brandchannel "high-impact brands" event (sounds painful), while, just like last year, Google took the gold. Sources close to Apple report that this was a crushing blow to staff morale, since everyone really thought they'd pull back in front this year, restoring them to the number one spot the company proudly held two years ago.

The same sources revealed that Apple's super-secret official mission statement since the Global Brand of the Year results were announced last year has been simply this: "Beat Google." Since Interbrand bases its rankings on a brand's "impact," both good and bad, Apple had purposely fomented as much craziness last year as possible. Remember all the hubbub over iPod batteries dying too young? Planned. That bad press about the constantly failing iBook motherboards? Also planned. In fact, these sources claim that the only reason that Apple launched the whole iTunes Music Store in the first place was to boost its impact rating, and no one's very happy about the fact that all that effort still landed the company squarely in second place.

Steve Jobs was reportedly incredulous that Apple once again came in second to a company that "hasn't sold a single song all year-- not even one by OutKast. What's up with that?" Apple has allegedly spent the past two days quietly regrouping after its second-place finish and planning an agenda of non-stop high-impact moves throughout the rest of this year, including opening up the iTMS to Europe and Japan, eclipsing x86 processor clock speeds in the G5, lowering the price of the LCD iMac to sub-$500 levels, and finally culminating in the wholesale destruction of an entire continent by an orbiting satellite death ray. (The continent is to be named at a later date.)

Don't expect Apple to get right on it, though; everyone needs a little time to mourn first. "It was those built-in conversion tables," said Steve. "It had to be."

SceneLink (4487)
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From the writer/creator of AtAT, a Pandemic Dad Joke taken WAYYYYYY too far


The above scene was taken from the 2/4/04 episode:

February 4, 2004: Apple takes second place in the Global Brand of the Year rankings-- again. Meanwhile, new evidence arises linking the green-neon G5 butcher with the Mydoom worm, and Microsoft has a new strategy to put an end to virus infection once and for all. (Bring Scotch tape...)

Other scenes from that episode:

  • 4488: On The Trail Of A Monster (2/4/04)   Well, if the contents of our inbox are any indication, it looks like the Mydoom worm has finally tapered off to a low-level annoyance, as opposed to the 'net-crushing nightmare it was early last week...

  • 4489: Next: The T-Shirt Campaign (2/4/04)   Boy, it looks like we're behind the curve on everything lately, because we only just found out yesterday about Microsoft's latest brilliant strategy to rid the planet of the scourge of Windows-infecting viruses...

Or view the entire episode as originally broadcast...

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