Yet We Cannot Look Away (1/28/04)
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Okay, we're going to keep this short, because frankly, we're feeling a little too queasy to continue for much longer. What was the one thing at the top of your Christmas list that you almost certainly didn't get? A brand spankin' new dual-processor Power Mac G5, right? Two PowerPCs and nine fans humming away beneath a sexy layer of perforated aluminum: one of the fastest personal computers money can buy, and it's a Mac, to boot. Of course, no one actually bought it for you because it costs some serious moolah, but you added it to your Wish List anyway, because dreams are free.

But what if someone actually had gotten you a dual-processor Power Mac for Christmas? You'd be pretty stoked, right? Well, as incomprehensible as it sounds, there really are people who were lucky enough to receive one last month, but not all of them were grateful. Faithful viewer Devin Chalmers forwarded us the most blasphemous thing we've encountered in our short lives: a fella named Andy is blessed with the Best Parents Ever, who did indeed give him a G5 for Christmas, but-- and we realize this is the most insane thing you'll ever hear-- he "wanted a Dell." (Brain... hurts...) Says Andy, "I thought about selling it, but my parents would be upset with me. After all, this was a very expensive gift and it meant a lot to them to give to me." Awwww... isn't that sweet?

So instead of upsetting his parents by selling it, he just ripped out its guts and hacked a chunk out of the back of its aluminum case.

(Pause for screams)

Then Andy wedged in an Athlon motherboard, installed neon lamps ("It emits a green glow from the front and back," he says-- oh, joy!), and now he's got a generic Wintel in a G5 enclosure. That glows green. Yes, Virginia, there is a special place in hell for people who commit such atrocities, and when Andy passes on, it'll be occupied by him, Attila the Hun, and whoever greenlit the NBC remake of Coupling. For now, though, he says, "I have to say that I'm happy-- I can keep on using XP." Oh, the humanity. Or lack thereof.

Incidentally, he might be sent to that particular circle of hell by his own parents if they aren't as clueless as he thinks they are: "It's a good thing my parents don't know anything about computers, because I'm sure they would be really angry if they knew what I did." Gee, ya think?


 
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The above scene was taken from the 1/28/04 episode:

January 28, 2004: What's Bill Gates smoking, that on the day of the MyDoom worm explosion he can actually claim that Windows is the most secure operating system available? Meanwhile, Napster's CEO desperately begs music execs to "stay off the Apple platform," and one seriously demented kid receives a dual-processor G5 for Christmas and butchers it into a Wintel...

Other scenes from that episode:

  • 4472: Can't Talk, Coming Down (1/28/04)   Okay, we suspected that Bill Gates was high on something when he claimed last week that spam would be completely eradicated by 2006, but now we're 100% certain that the World's Richest Man is completely wasted whenever he gets up on stage to address the public...

  • 4473: The Stench Of Raw Terror (1/28/04)   Let us set one thing straight: the odor emanating from Bill Gates in London as he publicly casts wildly unsupported (and unsupportable) aspersions on the security in Mac OS X is not fear. Bill isn't scared of Mac OS X, because Microsoft is way too huge an entity to be seriously threatened by, well, anything at this point, so what you're smelling off of Bill is presumably whatever substance he ingests that lets him stand up in front of a crowd and tell them that Windows is so much more secure than Mac OS X or Linux even as people in his audience are scrambling from the room to answer frantic emergency pages about havoc caused by the MyDoom worm...

Or view the entire episode as originally broadcast...

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