Vote Jobs-Schiller In 2004 (11/5/03)
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By the way, Happy Guy Fawkes Day! Yes, it's the fifth of November, the anniversary of Fawkes's infamous plot to blow up Parliament and the King way back in 1605; to this day, English-types commemorate the occasion by shooting off fireworks and burning Fawkes in effigy on top of huge bonfires. Firecrackers and the simulation of burning someone alive-- why, it's fun for the whole family!

Of course, if Fawkes were alive today, we here at the AtAT compound might be a little more inclined to commiserate with him over a cup of mead ("We've got Sierra Mist-- is that close enough?") than toss him on a large pile of burning wood. Not that we advocate blowing up government buildings with 36 barrels of gunpowder or anything, but we can certainly sympathize with a certain level of frustration with one's system of government and an overwhelming sense of disenfranchisement given those in power. For Fawkes, it was caused by English laws prohibiting the practice of Catholicism. For us, it stems from something similar but arguably worse-- namely, a serious underrepresentation of Mac users among the candidates running for President. But they're both pretty much the same thing, right? Freedom of religion, and all that.

Actually, we don't yet know the platform proclivities of all the candidates, but faithful viewer Badtz Maru notes that the Democratic hopefuls revealed their computing preferences in last night's Rock the Vote debate here in Boston. Page 2 of the FDCH e-Media transcript lays bare the awful truth: Howard Dean, Carol Moseley Braun, and Dennis Kucinich all admitted to Windows use, although Braun tried to temper her answer by stating that her "son has a Mac" and she "likes them" (some of her best friends are Mac users). Joe Lieberman admitted only to using "hand-held wireless" (but not inhaling), which was clearly a way of dodging the question. Three candidates kept quiet on the subject, which means they use Wintels-- as Tom Clancy says, "Never ask what sort of computer a guy drives. If he's a Mac user, he'll tell you. If not, why embarrass him?"

In fact, the only candidate who stated for the record that he actually uses a Mac was Al Sharpton. And even though we usually pride ourselves on voting entirely by the candidates' computing platform preferences without letting our judgment be colored by anything relatively unimportant like "political issues," "competency," or "history of violent criminal acts," there's a deal-breaker that prevents us from ever possibly considering Sharpton for President. We speak, of course, of the hair. 'Nuff said.

Despite his losing the popular vote in 2000, we assume that the Republicans will be sticking with Bush next year, who has been photographed with a PowerBook-- although if you look at the photo, it's unclear whether it shows him with his PowerBook, or simply depicts him calling information to ask what "that black thing with the glowing screen and the typewriter part on my desk" is. And of course if Nader runs again (and isn't immediately pummelled into submission with a tire iron by a foam-flecked, wild-eyed Al Gore), instead of voting pro-Mac, we could always vote anti-Microsoft.

Ah, screw it-- we're writing in Jobs. We know he says he doesn't want the job, but he also said he was only Apple's "interim" CEO. Let's see what he says when he wins by a landslide...


 
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From the writer/creator of AtAT, a Pandemic Dad Joke taken WAYYYYYY too far


 

The above scene was taken from the 11/5/03 episode:

November 5, 2003: Sony comes after the iPod with a bloodlust heretofore unseen outside of a Beastmaster movie. Meanwhile, nearly all of the Democratic candidates for President eschew Macs for Windows, and Microsoft's latest strategy is to offer cash rewards for people who turn in virus-writers to the authorities-- and the joke is that we're not kidding...

Other scenes from that episode:

  • 4313: Somebody Fetch Us A Mop (11/5/03)   Sales figures and statistics are one thing, but if you ask us, the real proof that the iPod is the King of the Portable Music Hill is the simple fact that whenever someone spews a new player onto the market, the press immediately starts evaluating whether or not it's an "iPod-killer."...

  • 4315: Smile For The Cameras (11/5/03)   You really have to hand it to Microsoft sometimes; it's actually very innovative, as long as you're talking about finance and PR instead of technology. Consider its latest solution to the virus problem plaguing the Windows world: instead of incurring the short- and long-term costs involved with writing mostly-secure software in the first place, it's decided that it would be much less disruptive to its existing business practices and far more cost-effective to throw some money at the cops, tell 'em to go do their jobs, and do it all at a press conference while posing for pictures with the FBI, the Secret Service, and Interpol so people think the company is actually doing something...

Or view the entire episode as originally broadcast...

Vote Early, Vote Often!
Why did you tune in to this '90s relic of a soap opera?
Nostalgia is the next best thing to feeling alive
My name is Rip Van Winkle and I just woke up; what did I miss?
I'm trying to pretend the last 20 years never happened
I mean, if it worked for Friends, why not?
I came here looking for a receptacle in which to place the cremated remains of my deceased Java applets (think about it)

(1233 votes)

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