Far Too Cryptic For Safety (9/15/03)

You know, some people fail to recognize the potential health risks inherent in nonstop Apple-themed prognostication; it can entail some strenuous brain work, and people who leap right in without stretching first have been known to sprain a frontal lobe. In the interest of viewer safety, we're compelled to issue the following public service announcement: if you felt any building pressure or unusual heat in the cranial region when participating in something as benign as puzzling out what an iPod Special Edition might turn out to be, you should probably steer clear of more challenging games of "Whatizzit," because certain topics are so open-ended they can send a sane man spiralling uncontrollably into an eternal abyss of madness and pain, or even pop a braincase like a grape in a microwave.

But, you know, in a good way. It's fun for the whole family!

That said, why not jump right in and tackle the next big puzzler of the day? MacRumors has been Dumpster-diving through the databases of the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office again, and uncovered a new Apple trademark, filed just last month. Ready for this? It's "Garage Band." And, as usual, the PTO only gives the vaguest hints about what Garage Band might in fact be: if you hop on over and do the search, you'll find that it's categorized under "computers, computer software, and computer peripherals; computers, computer software, and computer peripherals." Say, we love it when the government is redundant and repeats itself!

So that's what we know: it's called "Garage Band" and it could be just about anything. Not a lot to work with, there, so be extra careful that you don't hurt yourself on this one. Try to limit your guesswork to one particular likely sphere. "Garage Band" certainly invokes the subject of music, so don't bother wondering whether or not it's the next version of AppleWorks or a new 30-inch display; going that far afield will only lead to one whopper of a headache in the morning. At best.

No, it's far likelier to be something like some sort of add-on that turns a Mac into a passable recording studio rig for cheap. Or maybe a system whereby unsigned musicians can bypass the record labels and submit their recordings for direct inclusion in the iTunes Music Store. Or it could just be a new plugin for iTunes that makes even the most professionally recorded music sound amateurish and out of tune; c'mon, you know you always wanted to hear Mariah Carey sound like the half-drunk lead singer of some two-bit bar band with no bassist playing Lita Ford covers all night, right?

Whatever. Have fun with it, but don't push yourself; most health insurance doesn't cover speculation-related head injuries, and since Apple's registration of a trademark is not a guarantee that the company will ever actually use said trademark, we may never know what the company had in mind. If you don't think you can handle that much uncertainty, wrap your head in a warm, moist towel, apply pressure, and watch predictable network sitcoms until the anxiety passes. Trust us, it's important. Perishing of an exploded head is bad enough; losing your cleaning deposit too is not the way you want to start your afterlife.

SceneLink (4205)
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From the writer/creator of AtAT, a Pandemic Dad Joke taken WAYYYYYY too far


The above scene was taken from the 9/15/03 episode:

September 15, 2003: It's Stevenote Eve, and rumors of an iPod Special Edition are making the rounds. Meanwhile, Apple registers "Garage Band" as perhaps its most cryptic trademark ever, and Steve Jobs and Larry Ellison tie for fifth on Forbes's list of Best-Dressed Billionaires...

Other scenes from that episode:

  • 4204: Special Is As Special Does (9/15/03)   This is it, folks: the last day to get your speculatin' groove on. The Apple Expo Stevenote is tomorrow, so if you've got any last-minute guesswork to squeeze out from between the creases in your grey matter, now's the time to do it...

  • 4206: Sense Of Fashion: Priceless (9/15/03)   Well, we find ourselves faced with quite a dilemma, here: we've got just one more scene to go, today, and two equally enthralling plot points between which we must choose. On the one hand, we've got Newsweek's little foray into Mac-centric bean-spilling, with its revelation that Apple has "moved up the date for expanding its current Mac-only iTunes for the vast universe of Windows-based PCs to mid-October," which may signal the start of a whole new ball game as Apple redefines itself as a cross-platform digital media service provider for the masses-- a gambit whose success or failure may indeed determine the very future of the company as hearts, minds, and souls hang in the balance. On the other hand, we've got something about Steve Jobs's wardrobe...

Or view the entire episode as originally broadcast...

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