Okay, calm down. Put your head between your knees and take some deep breaths. It's natural to feel lightheaded after any great emotional shock, and inadvertent exposure to SteveJack's latest piece at MacDailyNews certainly qualifies. Yes, the man should have realized that publishing something titled "What happens when Steve Jobs dies?" could have grave consequences among unsuspecting Mac folk with delicate sensibilities and/or weak hearts, but the thing is, he raises an important point. Steve Jobs is the reason that Apple still exists today; it's no surprise that he tops MDJ's list of the most influential personalities in the Mac community, and if he were to croak tomorrow in a bizarre gardening accident, the ensuing chain of events would be catastrophic. Apple's stock price would surely enter freefall, the company would collapse within days, and the Mac platform would wither in a matter of months before running out the clock in an Amiga-style twilight zone populated by twisted, bitter Mac zombies. Confronting one's own mortality can be disconcerting; confronting Steve Jobs's mortality is where-are-my-other-pants terrifying.

On the other hand, do you honestly think that Apple hasn't prepared for that doomsday scenario? Well, it's easy enough to find out; frankly, we lack the attention span to get through more than six words of Apple's quarterly 10-Q without downing a couple of bottles of Focusyn first, but even we get a kick out of the "What If?" drama in the section called "Factors That May Affect Future Results and Financial Condition"-- and the most current one lists such hazards as terrorist attacks, SARS, earthquakes, fires, labor disputes, price wars, higher R&D costs, screwed-up product intros, inventory write-downs, supply shortages, quality control problems, a cratering of the retail initiative, plunging pro product sales, getting smacked down in education, patent litigation, rising insurance costs, deadbeat debtors, tax rate hikes, and third-party software developers being abducted by an evil cult of mutant cannibals. There's nary a mention of the single greatest hazard facing the company, namely Steve kicking the bucket or otherwise vacating his role as Omnipotent Apple Overlord.

But that doesn't mean the company doesn't recognize the danger and acknowledge it; it's just buried in a far less interesting bit of the 10-Q. If you're brave enough to dig through the earlier stuff about stock options, you'll find this bit: "Vesting of some or all of the restricted shares will be accelerated in the event Mr. Jobs is terminated without cause, dies, or has his management role reduced following a change in control of the Company." See? They do realize that the worst can happen. And while we're the first to admit that Apple doesn't always act in the best interest of its shareholders, it's absurd to think that the company doesn't understand that its very survival hinges on Steve staying happy, healthy, and Apple-employed-- or that there isn't a plan in place to protect the company's welfare in the devastating event of Steve's demise.

Now, SteveJack focuses on whom Apple might tap as a successor to the throne, such as Phil Schiller (whom he rejects because "the RDF hasn't rubbed off"-- ooh, harsh) or Jonathan Ive-- Ive being the favorite, for exuding a "Junior Jobsian aura" in his occasional on-video public appearances. Of course, that kindasorta ignores the fact that Ive is a soft-spoken designer and neither a businessman nor a spitfire Mercurial Boy who fires people in elevators, parks across three handicapped spaces, and inspires assembled masses of Mac fans to grab makeshift weapons and march on Redmond for insurrection. Frankly, we take the stance that any grooming of a post-Jobs Apple Czar is fundamentally doomed to failure, because Steve is All and All is Steve. No, a replacement can't be groomed; it needs to be incubated.

Hence Apple's years-long secret clone research. Forget about Dolly the sheep, forget about those wacky Raelians; Apple's at the forefront of clone technology and technique, but you never hear about it, because the top secret project exists for the sole purpose of ensuring that Apple always has a Steve available to lead the company, onward into infinity. So can it work? Well, you tell us; after all, we're already on our third Steve in five years. (The original perished in a 5 AM car crash some years back, as copiously documented by several album covers and backwards-masked lyrics by The Beatles.) So quit worrying, because whenever the current Steve has a heart attack and falls out of a window onto an exploding bomb and gets killed in a shooting accident, replacing him is a simple matter of just adding water, shaking, and microwaving on low for six minutes. We're set for life! And, um, beyond.