Time For The Happy Dance (7/17/03)

Yeeeaaaaahhhhh BUDDY! If you found the time to tune in to Honest Fred Anderson's quarterly conference call with the analysts, you already know that the news is good, the ink is black, and it's nothing but sunshine and smooth sailing from here on in. Apple made a $19 million profit last quarter (significantly higher than the analysts expected), boosted revenues to $1.545 billion (that's up 8% from a year ago), and increased its gross margins to a healthy 27.7%. Cash is up once again, to $4.54 billion, and both profits and revenues are expected to grow still further next quarter. In short, there's no down side. Nope. None at all.

Well, okay, there's a slight down side, but it's nothing like the sky-is-falling sense you get by scanning the "legitimate press" headlines over at MacSurfer, which make it look like Apple's about to declare bankruptcy while kicking several puppies and small children; half of them include such cheerful phrases as "decline in profit," "net income falls," profit slides," "company responsible for SARS, global unrest, and chewing gum in your hair," etc. Okay, yes, fine, Apple's $19 million profit represents a 41% decline from the same quarter a year ago-- but we're still talking about a profit, folks, and one higher than anyone expected, at that. Luckily, judging by Apple's stock spike today, it looks like Wall Street's paying attention to the revenue (Apple's highest in three years, notes The Register) more than anything else, though investors may also be cheered by the zillion little things that are also going Apple's way.

Take a gander at the copious notes over at MacMinute for a comprehensive list, but some of the happier highlights include a 71% increase in PowerBook sales, a 5% rise in education sales, increased traffic to the almost-breaking-even Apple retail stores, 6.5 million songs sold at the almost-breaking-even iTunes Music Store, and "strong" preorders for the G5, still slated to ship next month. C'mon, doesn't that all just make you want to wear a silly hat and dance a little jig? In public? Naked, during rush hour? Yeah, we thought as much. It's a magical time, indeed.

Meanwhile, we haven't yet compiled the final results and stats in our quarterly Beat The Analysts contest (expect them sometime before the sun goes nova), but we've done enough poking at the data to find that the big winner is faithful viewer Yorik, with his decidedly analyst-beating guess of $19,011,725 for Apple's quarterly profit. That is, you'll notice, just a hair's breadth from Apple's actual reported profit, whereas those hoity-toity analysts with all their fancy book-learnin' were off by sixty-something percent. (Take that, institutes of higher education!) Yorik therefore gains the unyielding fame of being a BTA winner that will certainly put him on the gravy train for life-- and as if that weren't too much already, the AtAT Prize Patrol will also be contacting him shortly to offer him his choice of this season's hottest looks in AtAT-themed apparel or a dusty, crusty software title straight out of our infamous Baffling Vault of Antiquity™! Why, it's like a fairy tale come true!

SceneLink (4081)
And Now For A Word From Our Sponsors

From the writer/creator of AtAT, a Pandemic Dad Joke taken WAYYYYYY too far


The above scene was taken from the 7/17/03 episode:

July 17, 2003: Apple beats the analysts and posts a $19 million quarterly profit-- and is just chock full of happy news. Meanwhile, Buy.com prepares to take on the iTunes Music Store with its own Windows-catering copycat called "iMusic," and Microsoft admits that virtually every version of Windows contains a massive security flaw-- the day after it wins a $90 million, 5-year contract to supply software to the Department of Homeland Security...

Other scenes from that episode:

  • 4082: Something Sounds Familiar (7/17/03)   Say, did anyone notice just how heavily discussion during that conference call was skewed towards topics of a decidedly musical nature? And there was plenty of good news on that front, too. Consider, for instance, the fact that Apple sold 304,000 iPods this past quarter; not only is that up from 80,000 iPods sold in the previous quarter (and 54,000 sold in the quarter a year before), but it's also almost a third of all iPods ever sold, which certainly suggests that the iPod is still a massively accelerating product...

  • 4083: And Boy, WE Sure Feel Safe (7/17/03)   It's not just us, right? Surely there are other people out there who are even now wondering just what the heck the Department of Homeland Security was smoking when it officially named Microsoft as its "primary technology provider" last Tuesday...

Or view the entire episode as originally broadcast...

Vote Early, Vote Often!
Why did you tune in to this '90s relic of a soap opera?
Nostalgia is the next best thing to feeling alive
My name is Rip Van Winkle and I just woke up; what did I miss?
I'm trying to pretend the last 20 years never happened
I mean, if it worked for Friends, why not?
I came here looking for a receptacle in which to place the cremated remains of my deceased Java applets (think about it)

(1188 votes)

As an Amazon Associate, AtAT earns from qualifying purchases

DISCLAIMER: AtAT was not a news site any more than Inside Edition was a "real" news show. We made Dawson's Creek look like 60 Minutes. We engaged in rampant guesswork, wild speculation, and pure fabrication for the entertainment of our viewers. Sure, everything here was "inspired by actual events," but so was Amityville II: The Possession. So lighten up.

Site best viewed with a sense of humor. AtAT is not responsible for lost or stolen articles. Keep hands inside car at all times. The drinking of beverages while watching AtAT is strongly discouraged; AtAT is not responsible for damage, discomfort, or staining caused by spit-takes or "nosers."

Everything you see here that isn't attributed to other parties is copyright ©,1997-2023 J. Miller and may not be reproduced or rebroadcast without his explicit consent (or possibly the express written consent of Major League Baseball, but we doubt it).