Well, it's official-- ever since word started to spread about the latest crackpot link between Macs and Satan, we started tallying the email messages, and we are now proud to report that all six billion members of the human race are now accounted for. Yes, folks, every single man, woman, and child on the planet has now emailed us to tell us about Dr. Richard Paley's bizarre screed, including tiny little babies who mastered the intricacies of language in mere minutes just to be able to warn us, and primitive tribes in the deepest jungles who fashioned twigs and vines into crude computers and telecommunications systems just so they could inform us of one man's insane rant about how Apple is turning us all into blind followers of "Godless Darwinism and Communism." (By the way, we should mention that faithful viewer Sarah Bombich led the charge, beating all those babies and primitive tribesmen to the punch.)

So what's the deal, here? Well, quite simply, after spending a few paragraphs warming up by attacking both PBS and Pokémon for spreading the "anti-Christian junk" known as the theory of evolution, Crazy Dick launches into what we can only describe as a crack nightmare gone off the tracks: he essentially argues that "Apple Computers" (which we can only assume is somehow affiliated with "Apple Computer," but we admit that we lack access to the good doctor's "extensive research library," so we're having trouble nailing down the exact connection) is "a cult" that was "founded by long haired hippies" that are "aligning themselves with the forces of darkness." (It's footnoted, by the way, so you know it's true.)

By way of solid, incontestable proof that Apple promotes "Godless Darwinism and Communism" (yeah, we know we quoted it before, but it's just way too fun a phrase to use only once), Doc Paley hauls out the Big List of Naughty Deeds: Apple's first computer cost $666 ("Need we say more?"); Macs have been used by evolutionist Richard Dawkins, which makes them the tools of the devil; and Steve Jobs keeps telling people to "think different," which clearly means to "think different than our Christian upbringing, to reject all the values that we have been taught and to heed not the message of the Lord Jesus Christ"-- but that was too long to fit on the t-shirts, we guess. Oh, and there's the fact that "hypnotically encased iMacs trick unsuspecting computer users into accepting Darwinism." Ohhhh, so that's what Flower Power was for! Still, no mention of the fact that Macs were the computers of choice for the Church of Satan's webmaster? Doc, Doc, Doc... apparently that "extensive research library" ain't got all the answers. Catch a little AtAT once in a while-- you just might learn something.

But, interestingly enough, Bug-Eyed Daley's real beef with Apple mostly boils down to Mac OS X and its UNIX underpinnings. The operating system's core is called Darwin (which clearly means that "new Macs are based on Darwinism!"); Darwin is open source, "which is just another name for Communism"; and Mac OS X's BSD layer has, as its mascot, a cute cartoon devil, lets you type the number "666" after the command "chmod" (it also lets you type any other three digits between 0 and 7, but that's beside the point), and runs "daemons" in the background-- "hardly something a good Christian would want!" Damn straight, Doc-- and we're real proud of the way you pulled those disparate facts about a couple of operating systems together and logically concluded that "not only is Macintosh based on Darwinism, but Darwinism is based on Satanism." That is the deftest syllogism we've been privileged to witness since the witch trial scene in Holy Grail.

Now, we don't mind telling you that we spent the better part of nine straight hours trying really hard to see this as a joke (you know, the intentional kind), or perhaps as the new URL for Crazy Apple Rumors Site. But as far as we can tell, this guy is actually serious-- which means you should study his photo, and if you see him on the street, avoid eye contact and back away slowly. There's no telling what he might do once someone informs him that, as faithful viewer Lars Schou happened to notice, his penetrating insights into how UNIX is the work of Satan and open source is Communism just happen to be sitting on a Linux server. The phrases "clock tower" and "high-powered rifle" come to mind. It's probably safest just to stay indoors and condemn your immortal souls to everlasting hellfire by screwing around on your Macs. (Warning: if we understand Doc Paley's logic correctly, playing 4x4 Evolution 2 on it will get you tossed in the lake of extra-hot fire.)

[Addendum: Nah, we changed our minds-- it's gotta be a joke, because otherwise we're never going to be able to sleep ever again. Well played, clerks...]