So what are we going to see come Monday's keynote? Steve only knows, but Apple's web site is dropping hints, albeit in a maddeningly vague way. On Monday the site teased us by saying "This one is big. Even by our standards." On Tuesday we were told to "Count the days. Count the minutes. Count on being blown away." Yesterday, things got a little personal: "Beyond the rumor sites. Way beyond." (We imagine that Apple may be regretting that one a bit, now that most of the Mac-using world is fully expecting the introduction of the iWalk next week. Whoops.)

As faithful viewer Ryan B points out, Apple's latest clue is that next week's show will be "like a backstage pass to the future." Ah, now we're getting somewhere! Finally, a clue with a little substance. We can only interpret this to mean that Apple has finally finished up its years-long and massively illegal secret experiments in the field of time distortion and is now ready to introduce its first consumer product using that technology. Yes, kids, prepare yourselves for... the iWarp. (Suppose they can get Tom Baker as a spokesperson?)

Think of it; with an iWarp in your pocket (or, more likely, towed behind you in a largish wagon, since our best recon indicates that it's three feet on a side, weighs 127 pounds, and is powered by a hunk of plutonium the size of your head), you need never be late for meetings again. Heck, if they're boring (and really, how many meetings aren't?), you can now simply fast-forward past them. And what could be more useful in today's fast-paced society than the ability to alter the very fabric of time upon a whim in order to get that frozen turkey cooked by 6 PM for tonight's dinner, dire cosmic consequences be damned?

As an added bonus, hyping the iWarp so heavily is really a risk-free situation, which explains Apple's sudden willingness to engage in this unprecedented degree of marketing grandiosity. If the audience's (and Wall Street's) reaction to the product is less than compelling, all Steve needs to do is fire up the iWarp, travel back to last Monday, and deliver some edits to the web guys. One paradox-inducing action later, and voilà: Apple's web site last Monday always said, "7 days to Macworld Expo. It's going to be pretty nifty," Tuesday's said "Count on being slightly impressed," and yesterday's said "Those rumors sites sure are fun, aren't they?" In the end, it's just a practical demonstration of why everyone needs an iWarp. MSRP: $8.9 trillion, so start saving now. Oh, and there's a $50 rebate if you order by the end of the month.