TV-PGApril 1, 2004: We're here! Now where's the beer at?...
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From the writer/creator of AtAT, a Pandemic Dad Joke taken WAYYYYYY too far

All Your Compound Are Belong To Us!

Avast ye maties! It's the crew of the S.S. Crazy Apple Rumors Site and we're taking over the AtAT air waves! Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha! It is to laugh, for we now rule the Mac web supreme! Supreme, do you hear me?! SUPREME!

Yes, it was a long flight across the country, an uncomfortable cab ride from Logan Airport and a real pain lugging all of our luggage....

Oh, hey, I just got that... "luggage"... "lugging"... "lug... gage..."

Huh. How 'bout that.

Anyway, it was a pain hauling it all the way up the stairs into the so-called AtAT "Compound." "Compound", my rear, but more on that in a minute. Our top-secret plan to break into the AtAT... "Compound"... [snicker]... stuff Jack Miller into a sack and give him a wedgie and snicker-snag on him and give him Indian burns and a swirly and stuff has come to fruition!

Well... actually, just the first part. The breaking in part. I don't know where the heck Miller is. There's tofurky everywhere... posters of Alyson Hannigan... an Easy-Bake Oven which I can only hope is Jack or Katie's as they are clearly recommended for ages five and up... but no Miller.

So, our plan to make the popular Mac opiner eat crowfurkey seems to have fizzled.

And, to make matters worse, there's not a drop of beer in the whole place. Somehow the guy manages to grind out a Mac "news" (to be said with a vaguely ironic tone... "neeeeews"...) site without the benefit of beer, Krispy Kremes or delicious pork products.

Fortunately for us, I asked Chet to swipe a whole bunch of them miniature liquor bottles from the plane and...


Ah, shoot. Chet informs me that due to airline cutbacks, all we could get were some flight wing pins and a coloring book entitled "Water Landings - Happy Sea Adventure Time!" That's great. That's just great. We go to all this trouble and we have nothing with which to toast our great victory over our most bitter rival.

With the possible exception of PerversionTracker.

Oh, how we loathe them...

And that smug jerk at the smoothie place. "Passion fruit is not in the #3, sir. It's all clearly marked on the chalk board."

Stupid... stupid jerk. Stupid smoothie jerk.

Still... the flight wings do look rather dashing.

So, anyway, let's talk about this "Compound" for a minute. It's a lot smaller in here than I thought it would be. I pictured some Batman-esque control room with multiple television screens showing 24-hour... uh... Apple news... I guess... and consoles with which to control the screens and... maybe... one of those little one-cup heating pads... you know... to keep his beverage warm...

I dunno. Little calculator/paperweight combo. Magnetic thing holding all his paper clips. Something like that.

But it's not like that at all. It's just this tiny little room with a Performa 6400 in it. I think it's actually a broom closet. And that kind of explains something. See, I always thought it was a little odd that it took six of us to do CARS and only one of him (albeit with help from Katie and the vengeance demon) to do AtAT.

Turns out it's just a capacity issue. Yeah, says right there on the wall, "MAXIMUM CAPACITY - 2.5."

It's like a clown car in here with the six of us. Except... less frightening... because... [shudder]... clowns...

Oh, Howard, don't eat that. It's tofurkey. It's not good for dogs. I'll get you some meat as soon as we get this published.

Ugluk, is that your personal bodily funk or did you roll in something on the way over here?

Possum, huh? Tribal fertility right? Uh-huh. Well, 21st-century tip for you: try to think of your co-workers next time, nnnkay? I know we didn't know we were going to be packed into such a tiny space but... man... I think you've found the first odor detectable from space.

Masako, if you wouldn't mind moving the mouse while I type that would be... thanks... No, we don't get overtime. Today is not technically a holiday.

No, it isn't.

It's not. I don't care if it is in Japan.

Look, I'm not going to argue with you about it.

Oh, for the love of... Entity, could you shine your face away from the screen? The glare is just really bad. Just a little... no... to the left... your left... now down... no... up... down... down... down...

Uh... forget it. That's... that's fine.

Wait, who's right behind me? Chet?

OK, that better be your keys, MacGruder.

Alright, look, I can't take much more of this claustrophobia before I'll have to go to my "happy place" (also known as Knapp's Cocktail Lounge), sooooo... short story: We rule supreme. In your face, Miller. Who's your daddy? Etc. Etc. Much love, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site.

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